ch-ch-ch-changes

Today was my first led practice since arriving. Different. I’d been dreading the stampede into the shala, such a horrible way to begin the day, and I’d been dreading the fast-forward count which turns the beauty of the practice into a rushed, vacant affair. I was surprised on both counts. The stampede was decidedly un-stampede like and the count was steady, consistent and, in some asanas, agonizingly slow. It was good but halfway through I felt myself wondering what the point was. Don’t write scolding me, I do know the point, overall, I’m speaking on a personal level, in terms of my personal practice, what was the point?

This is something I’ve avoided talking about since my arrival partly because it’s early days yet, partly because I don’t want to come across as criticizing this practice which I love so very much, and partly because I don’t have the words to describe what I’m feeling. I’m afraid if I try and talk about it I’ll chase it away. Suffice it to say, I’m learning that my practice changed more profoundly in the years since I was last here than I understood. I sense my practice on the verge of a transformation, one that will diverge slightly from this form I’ve committed to for so many years and it’s scary.

Will nothing stay constant? No, of course it won’t; that’s part of the lesson, but it’s always been my hardest lesson – particularly now. Everything has changed so much this last year, I’m not sure I can bear more change, particularly not in my practice - my well. Although I knew this visit would be about closure and transformation, I never expected that to extend to my practice as well but here I am. There’s a softness, a playfulness that wants to come out and while I can see this as healthy, organic and mature a transformation as the personal one I’m making, it’s still change. Ties to the past, both the pleasurable and the painful, are hard to break but I’m learning that the transformation on both counts has already happened, I’m just figuring it out after the fact.