holy crap

It's autumn. The beautiful blue skies-puffy clouds-gorgeous colours-crisp air-wonderful kind of autumn that preludes the greyness to come. Impossible not to feel vibrantly alive at this time of year.

Yoga practice is just awesome and teaching feeds my soul. Taking on more mysore shifts which I love, still volunteer yoga-ing with psych patients which is both humbling and hilarious, and beginning new volunteering with delinquent/incarcerated youths. The work that pays my bills if easy, light, fun.

Plays, concerts, pot-lucks, author readings, brunches that will last for hours, soul-friends, trips down south to play in the ocean - this is a month packed with goodness. I'm happy.

Beneath all of that, which is very real, I'm being clobbered by memories and regrets this week. It sucks. Strange to have two such strong currents - elation and sadness - running with equal force at the same time. I'm tired of thinking, tired of trying to understand what can't be understood, tired of taking responsibility for behaviour that isn't mine, and impossibly tired of blaming myself for my responses when there was just so much to respond to. Stuck in someone else's confusion multiplied my confusion and weeks were wasted ricocheting off each others' neuroses. The end was shitty and that sadness lingers but it wasn't my ending. What more is there to say?

So I quiet thoughts of wondering what I should 'do' knowing there is nothing to be done and no one to 'do' it to. I sit with it and go with the flow trusting that what's going on this week is phantom memory of what went down a year ago. Kind of like when body memory releases feelings completely unrelated to what's going on in the current moment. It's not real, it's just remnants burning off when the cosmic cycle comes full circle - releasing what lingers, what's unnecessary.

Life carries me along, it's weeks like this that my mind pulls me back. But only during weeks like this and this week is almost over. Nothing is permanent, change is constant, this is a good thing.