you will be lucky in work

This has been an eventful week work-wise. My current job asked that I stay on beyond my contract conclusion in April and agreed to my proposition that I return in September. Wow. Not only do I get to work at a job I love but I get to do it part time (which I also love) and I get 4 months off to adventure (which I really, really love).

I also received a call from the manager from my most favourite job ever offering me a position. When I declined he sweetened the deal with an offer to join faculty and teach, which I would so love to do. But not this year. My most favourite job ever is still too far away. I am, however, thinking seriously about joining a friend, also a Counsellor, in private practice. She also works part time and is pretty persuasive.

Today I assisted the yoga class for a teacher I don't usually work with but who I know from Mysore. He's asked if I'd take over his classes while he's away in December. It's tempting. They're level one classes which I'd be comfortable teaching but I don't feel ready yet and I really love assisting. It's wonderful to be able to work with students one-on-one while someone else does all of the talking that's the norm in Toronto yoga studios.

After yoga I went to the cozy coffee shop with the free wifi and big couches and finished a story I've been working on that I plan to submit for publication. While I was there I remembered a day a few years ago. I'd left work early to go to the Doctor's. After my appointment I stopped for a coffee and I noticed all of the people just sitting around enjoying their afternoon - in the middle of the work day! I was perplexed by these people, how did they do it? Didn't they have to work? I wanted what they had and I was sure that one day I would work part time.

There are things I have always hoped for myself. That I would work part time. That I would have several different jobs, not one 9-5 job. That I could have 4-6 months off to travel with something secure to come home to. That my job involved helping people. That I would fall in love. That I could practice yoga every day. That I teach yoga. That I write. That I have mentors and find teachers who inspire me. These are a sample.

I mention, of course, the dreams that have come into fruition. There are others that I'm still waiting on. While I wait, I think about the fact that some of the things on that list were truly preposterous, I never dreamed they would come into being, and yet here I am, living what is quite literally my ideal life. I think about the fact that these preposterous dreams came to be while the one thing that seemed fairly simple and very possible did not. And I recognize that if every crazy dream on my list came into being over the last two years while the one 'easy' one didn't, well then, my one thing couldn't have been my one thing could it? I understand that the dream is real, and waiting to come into being, but that the person I thought was supposed to be a part of it wasn't the right person. I get that I can't move on to what is really supposed to be until I make room for it by letting go of old attachments.

It's hard to get it - but not get it. I fully see that I'm fortunate to have this life. To be doing things I love. To have room and opportunity to do things I love. And 95% of the time I'm imbued with the glowing freaking awesomeness of how lucky I am. People who haven't seen me in a while comment on how happy I look, state that I'm glowing. But then there's the other 5% where I hear a song from last summer, or I see a word with 'dot.dot's' over the 'o', or I remember the twinkling lights from this time last year. That 5% of the time I wonder what happened. How things could be so close but not close enough. How hurt I am and how cold you seem. Even though it's only 5% of the time its a powerful freaking 5% and I'm so sad to think that we're not a part of each others' lives anymore and wonder why you wanted it to be that way.

Honestly, I'm so. sick. of. being. sad. It doesn't last long, and it grows more and more infrequent as the days pass, but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of being pulled back there just when I think I'm free of the quagmire of it all. And then the 95% awesomeness takes over and I AM free from the quagmire of it all, at least until I see the letter 'o' with 'dot.dot's' above it or think about saunas. Then the see-saw of emotions tips again. It's a very schizophrenic feeling, all of this, and I really am quite sick of it. Stop the ride, I want to get off.