songlines

Shortly after we met in India, before I knew we'd be anything but after I knew I thought he was wonderful, a group of us rented a van to head south to the beach. It being India, the 600km took a full two days; two days crammed into the van contorting our bodies into various shapes in effort to get comfortable. It gave us a lot of time to get to know each other; we had fun telling stories, learning miniscule amounts of Finnish, talking about everything under the sun both ridiculous and serious, and staring out the window daydreaming while the street scenes of India passed us by.

After some time we settled into our favourite spots. I chose the middle section, leaning against the door, feet curled beneath me while the boy settled into the back of the van where he shared his space with an unruly pile of our backpacks. That's one of the pictures of him I hold in my mind's eye: tucked into the back, his long frame curled awkwardly around the luggage and his head ducked to avoid the low ceiling - it was endearing. I knew then.

He was the holder of the laptop and, as such, in charge of the music. Madonna's new CD had just been released and he was obsessed with the song "Sorry", he played it over and over:

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
I've heard it all before
And I can take care of myself
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'Forgive me'
I've seen it all before
And I can't take it anymore

You're not half the man you think you are
Save your words because you've gone too far
I've listened to your lies and all your stories (Listened to your stories)
You're not half the man you'd like to be

(Chorus)

Don't explain yourself 'cause talk is cheap
There's more important things than hearing you speak
You stayed because I made it so convenient (made it so convenient)
Don't explain yourself, you'll never see

(Chorus)

I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say you're sorry
(Don't explain yourself cause talk is cheap)
I've heard it all before, And I can take care of myself
(There's more important things than hearing you speak)
I don't wanna hear, I don't wanna know
Please don't say 'forgive me'

I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
I've heard it all before
Sorry, Madonna

That song, the words, stayed with me throughout our relationship, a cloud tinged with a hint of doom. It may sound like I'm making too much of it, fair enough, but, I've always wondered that I heard it so often way back at the beginning and that it was he who played it, a heads up. And I wonder that I've heard it over and over this week, 2.5 years after its release but just a week after our final ending. It describes our relationship, our fights, our ending perfectly. I just reached a point where I couldn't hear anymore well intended stories, excuses, or the word 'sorry' intended to erase past behaviour. And, yes, he stayed because I made it so convenient.

The sleeper hit this summer was "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie. It played over and over during our month together in Toronto, throughout our breakup, and through the months that followed. It came on the radio when I was driving him to the airport, that last time we would be seeing each other. He emailed when he got home saying how ironic it was that we heard "The Final Countdown" on the radio on that same drive. I found it more ironic that when I changed the channel away from that song (we were emotional enough) the radio landed on Fergie's song:

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS:]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

[CHORUS:]

It's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

[CHORUS]
I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Big Girls Don't Cry, Fergie

That song haunted me throughout the fall. I was like Pavlov's dog - it came on, I teared up, and it was everywhere. I couldn't escape it. And, finally, I offer you the biggest hit of this winter, "Apologize" by One Republic

I'm holding on your rope,
Got me ten feet off the ground
And I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound
You tell me that you need me
Then you go and cut me down, but wait
You tell me that you're sorry
Didn't think I'd turn around, and say...

Chorus
That it's too late to apologize
It's too late
I said it's too late to apologize
It's too late

I'd take another chance, take a fall
Take a shot for you
And I need you like a heart needs a beat
But it's nothing new - yeah
I loved you with the a fire red-

Now it's turning blue, and you say...
"Sorry" like an angel
Heaven let me think was you
But I'm afraid...

It's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-
I said it's too late to apologize, yeah-

This song played over and over and over throughout November and December, as if the only option to Christmas Carols was to hear "it's too late to apologize" sung slowly and repeatedly. It haunted me too, made me think of the boy, of how much time had passed and, for the first time, think that it might just be too late. When I heard it in October it made me cry with sadness, when I heard it in December it made me feel strong and resolute - I was healing.

And then he called to ask for another chance and I agreed, but the weeks of talking were messy. Stories were told, promises made and broken, excuses proliferated, and, new this time around, angry words, accusations, horrible control tactics made their way into our relationship. It turns out, it was too late to apologize. I never imangined that day would come but it did.

I'm not writing to mope about the boy or to talk about breakups, more just ruminating on synchronicity - the way seemingly small and unrelated things can reflect what's happening in our lives. I know that the songs don't have to mean anything, and perhaps they don't, but the oddity of this trio of songs sticks with me. Makes me think about the way the universe gives messages of all kinds, tiny and huge, and how, if ignored, they accumulate over time until there can be no more ignoring - it becomes impossible to turn a blind eye.

In hindsight, I wish I'd resisted my fears of losing the boy from my life and paid attention to the signs because there were a lot, much more than three simple songs. Instead I ignored all signs subtle, all signs small, all internal and external messages until I was clubbed over the head with the big one. Which sucked. Still, if I had the chance to do it all over again, I wouldn't do it any other way.

Sometimes we just need to be clubbed.