giving someone else's words back

I went to see this movie last night about Sigur Ros, set in Iceland, their home country.   Clips of the band playing were interspersed with panoramic shots of Iceland and, inexplicably, I had to fight back tears several times as visions of great plains, waterfalls, the ocean and strange little whitewashed houses filled the screen.  

They weren't sad tears, more a pull or a longing of sorts.  At several points during the movie and many times since I've thought to myself: "I don't belong here".  Not in an immediate sense, at the moment I am very much of and enjoying Toronto, but in a grander sense, I don't belong here forever.  I've always known that.  Everyone who's known me has always known that.  

My contract ends in one month and I've been resisting, resisting, resisting the urge to travel feeling, instead, like I should stay put in Toronto. I've decided several times that that's exactly what I'm going to do, I'm going to stay in Toronto and "invest in life here".  That last bit comes from someone else.  They're someone else's words that I've tried hard to internalize, to make mine - but they're not.  They won't stick. 

I've decided to stop struggling and give in to my need to vagabond.  I'm going to play overseas this summer and go where the spirit takes me which may well be back home after just 3 weeks or I could be gone 3+ months.   Either way, I'm relieved to not be fighting with myself anymore and I'm so excited.