The week's groceries for the low, low price of 64 rupees (just under $2.00)
Tuesday, May 13, 2008
grocery shopping in gokulam
The week's groceries for the low, low price of 64 rupees (just under $2.00)
hey western lady
This is a gorgeous time of year to be here. The crowds are small, people friendly and conversations intimate, it’s lovely but there’s a reason for these small crowds: it’s because it’s HOT. Damn hot. So a few of us hailed a rickshaw and took off to the pool for the afternoon.
We (all women) emerged from the change room to find that they’d put some lounges aside for us really, really far from the pool and from the other guests which was perplexing until the guy who was helping us pointed to the other guests and said “boys…many boys” then it was just sweet – and thoughtful. He followed this up by shaking his finger at us and saying “no boys…no making friends, no talking” and he hung around for the first little while holding the very curious boys (who weren’t boys at all but grown men) at bay. Soon, though, he had to leave and as soon as he did, I made a friend.
I was taking pictures of my feet, as I always seem to do, when one of the boys-who-wasn’t-a-boy approached and started talking to me. While I cringed under the far-off glare of the hotel man who’d warned me from such conversations, my new friend poured his heart out about his girlfriend. She’s from the west, he’s from the east, he doesn’t understand her but, since I’m a western lady, maybe I could help. Advice on cross-cultural relationships? Yeah. Seeing as I'm still trying to pick myself up from my own experience with it I'm the last one to ask for advice. Given my obvious lack of enthusiasm for being his relationship guru he stood up and demanded that I take a picture of him. I told him that if I took a picture I was going to put it online and many people would see it thinking it would deter him but it only sealed the deal. So. A picture was taken.
Here he is, my new friend who’s name I forget but, then again, he simply referred to me as “hey western lady” so we weren’t exactly on a first name basis anyway…
We (all women) emerged from the change room to find that they’d put some lounges aside for us really, really far from the pool and from the other guests which was perplexing until the guy who was helping us pointed to the other guests and said “boys…many boys” then it was just sweet – and thoughtful. He followed this up by shaking his finger at us and saying “no boys…no making friends, no talking” and he hung around for the first little while holding the very curious boys (who weren’t boys at all but grown men) at bay. Soon, though, he had to leave and as soon as he did, I made a friend.
I was taking pictures of my feet, as I always seem to do, when one of the boys-who-wasn’t-a-boy approached and started talking to me. While I cringed under the far-off glare of the hotel man who’d warned me from such conversations, my new friend poured his heart out about his girlfriend. She’s from the west, he’s from the east, he doesn’t understand her but, since I’m a western lady, maybe I could help. Advice on cross-cultural relationships? Yeah. Seeing as I'm still trying to pick myself up from my own experience with it I'm the last one to ask for advice. Given my obvious lack of enthusiasm for being his relationship guru he stood up and demanded that I take a picture of him. I told him that if I took a picture I was going to put it online and many people would see it thinking it would deter him but it only sealed the deal. So. A picture was taken.
Here he is, my new friend who’s name I forget but, then again, he simply referred to me as “hey western lady” so we weren’t exactly on a first name basis anyway…
Sunday, May 11, 2008
an apple-tastic home
A colony of tiny red ants has taken up home in my laptop. They scurry madly up and down the keys wondering what is happening as I type...disappearing below the "m" only to reappear somewhere around the "u" and so on.
Cute.
Cute.
mornings in gokulam
In the hours before sunrise even the dogs are quiet, a blessed respite from their never ending barking. For some time the only sound is that of the birds in a song that begins slowly before building to a crescendo of whoops and whirls that wakes not only me but the rest of the town as well. The dogs join in, barking, and then the humans start adding our sounds to the music of the morning.
Long sweeping strokes announce that the women of the house are awake and outside brushing the front walk, preparing the entry/exit point of the house for a good day. The sound of plastic being dragged across metal frees cars and bikes from their slumber and soon revving engines and tooting horns join the fray. Men clear their throats repeatedly and loudly in the shower, breakfast dishes clang against each other, and parents squabble with children all of this easily overheard given the close proximity of the houses and open windows. Children call as they make their way through the streets and their calls are joined by those of the canvassers pushing their heavy carts though the streets yelling the name of their produce every few feet “tomatoes….papaya….sopal….”.
Birdsong, barking, engines, horns, human voices – it’s a symphony that tracks the day as it moves from darkness into light and pulls me slowly from a deep sleep into wakefulness.
Long sweeping strokes announce that the women of the house are awake and outside brushing the front walk, preparing the entry/exit point of the house for a good day. The sound of plastic being dragged across metal frees cars and bikes from their slumber and soon revving engines and tooting horns join the fray. Men clear their throats repeatedly and loudly in the shower, breakfast dishes clang against each other, and parents squabble with children all of this easily overheard given the close proximity of the houses and open windows. Children call as they make their way through the streets and their calls are joined by those of the canvassers pushing their heavy carts though the streets yelling the name of their produce every few feet “tomatoes….papaya….sopal….”.
Birdsong, barking, engines, horns, human voices – it’s a symphony that tracks the day as it moves from darkness into light and pulls me slowly from a deep sleep into wakefulness.
ch-ch-ch-changes
Today was my first led practice since arriving. Different. I’d been dreading the stampede into the shala, such a horrible way to begin the day, and I’d been dreading the fast-forward count which turns the beauty of the practice into a rushed, vacant affair. I was surprised on both counts. The stampede was decidedly un-stampede like and the count was steady, consistent and, in some asanas, agonizingly slow. It was good but halfway through I felt myself wondering what the point was. Don’t write scolding me, I do know the point, overall, I’m speaking on a personal level, in terms of my personal practice, what was the point?
This is something I’ve avoided talking about since my arrival partly because it’s early days yet, partly because I don’t want to come across as criticizing this practice which I love so very much, and partly because I don’t have the words to describe what I’m feeling. I’m afraid if I try and talk about it I’ll chase it away. Suffice it to say, I’m learning that my practice changed more profoundly in the years since I was last here than I understood. I sense my practice on the verge of a transformation, one that will diverge slightly from this form I’ve committed to for so many years and it’s scary.
Will nothing stay constant? No, of course it won’t; that’s part of the lesson, but it’s always been my hardest lesson – particularly now. Everything has changed so much this last year, I’m not sure I can bear more change, particularly not in my practice - my well. Although I knew this visit would be about closure and transformation, I never expected that to extend to my practice as well but here I am. There’s a softness, a playfulness that wants to come out and while I can see this as healthy, organic and mature a transformation as the personal one I’m making, it’s still change. Ties to the past, both the pleasurable and the painful, are hard to break but I’m learning that the transformation on both counts has already happened, I’m just figuring it out after the fact.
This is something I’ve avoided talking about since my arrival partly because it’s early days yet, partly because I don’t want to come across as criticizing this practice which I love so very much, and partly because I don’t have the words to describe what I’m feeling. I’m afraid if I try and talk about it I’ll chase it away. Suffice it to say, I’m learning that my practice changed more profoundly in the years since I was last here than I understood. I sense my practice on the verge of a transformation, one that will diverge slightly from this form I’ve committed to for so many years and it’s scary.
Will nothing stay constant? No, of course it won’t; that’s part of the lesson, but it’s always been my hardest lesson – particularly now. Everything has changed so much this last year, I’m not sure I can bear more change, particularly not in my practice - my well. Although I knew this visit would be about closure and transformation, I never expected that to extend to my practice as well but here I am. There’s a softness, a playfulness that wants to come out and while I can see this as healthy, organic and mature a transformation as the personal one I’m making, it’s still change. Ties to the past, both the pleasurable and the painful, are hard to break but I’m learning that the transformation on both counts has already happened, I’m just figuring it out after the fact.
Thursday, May 8, 2008
Tuesday, May 6, 2008
here
A taxi, a plane, and another plane which was really just a teaser as we were asked to disembark moments after boarding due to technical difficulties. Technical difficulties led to a 5 hour wait which led to an unplanned stop at a hotel for the night followed by a coach ride, another plane (this one operational), and another taxi the next day. 38+ hours after leaving home, I’m here.
We landed in Bangalore at 10.45pm, 18 hours later than scheduled and my luggage didn’t emerge until 12.30am by which point I’d swallowed my separation anxiety, said goodbye to my Guardian Angel, Mike (whose luggage had arrived immediately, yet another business class perk), and was feeling lost and alone. Just as I began envisioning waiting the two hours for the 3am flight back to London and begging to be added to the damn flight, my luggage appeared freeing me to head outside and fall in love with India all over again.
The first words spoken to me were of my driver who led me through the throng of people, put my bags down and asked me to “please be waiting here”, and I was, I was so pleased to be waiting there. Every time I step out of the Bangalore airport it’s the same – it’s the smell that lets me know I’m here. Some mixture of rubber and exhaust and dust, which may not sound great but it’s gorgeous. It’s India. I sat, eating cookies stolen from the business lounge in Heathrow (thanks Mike ;) and felt gorgeously happy and calm amidst the chaos. The taxi came round and we were off. I rolled down the window to lean my head against the frame, let the wind push my hair off my face, and smiled. I’m here.
We landed in Bangalore at 10.45pm, 18 hours later than scheduled and my luggage didn’t emerge until 12.30am by which point I’d swallowed my separation anxiety, said goodbye to my Guardian Angel, Mike (whose luggage had arrived immediately, yet another business class perk), and was feeling lost and alone. Just as I began envisioning waiting the two hours for the 3am flight back to London and begging to be added to the damn flight, my luggage appeared freeing me to head outside and fall in love with India all over again.
The first words spoken to me were of my driver who led me through the throng of people, put my bags down and asked me to “please be waiting here”, and I was, I was so pleased to be waiting there. Every time I step out of the Bangalore airport it’s the same – it’s the smell that lets me know I’m here. Some mixture of rubber and exhaust and dust, which may not sound great but it’s gorgeous. It’s India. I sat, eating cookies stolen from the business lounge in Heathrow (thanks Mike ;) and felt gorgeously happy and calm amidst the chaos. The taxi came round and we were off. I rolled down the window to lean my head against the frame, let the wind push my hair off my face, and smiled. I’m here.
looking forward
Tina’s millet bread, mysore pak from Bombay Tiffany’s, chikoo, the finicky musical soundtrack at Coffee Day that never settles on any one song for more than 60 seconds, a scalp massage at Sudha’s, an ayurvedic massage from Kumar, walking red dirt roads, looking up through palm fronds at the stars, walks in the park at dusk, waking early on Saturday morning to walk to the Metropol Hotel for a quiet coffee on the veranda, colour – bright colour everywhere, 5 minute waits that turn into 2 hour delays, being surrounded by daily rituals of thanks, reading by candlelight during brownouts, peaceful moments waiting for the water to heat up after practice…ah…the practice, the practice, the practice. There are no words for what it is like to practice in that place, with those people, with those teachers.
Mysore holds some ghosts, that's for sure, but this trip is about something completely different and I'm feeling less and less like looking back when there is so much to look forward to. Yes. Now I’m excited.
Mysore holds some ghosts, that's for sure, but this trip is about something completely different and I'm feeling less and less like looking back when there is so much to look forward to. Yes. Now I’m excited.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Friday, May 2, 2008
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
random (and completely un-ready) stuff
The first time I went to India it was with a disposable camera, a walkman + two tapes, and a kazillion packages of instant oatmeal. I'd listened to all of the stories and I was scared, convinced that I was going to get food poisoning at every turn. The oatmeal was my protection against dodgy food and my insurance policy against starvation. Silly girl.
Many trips later I return with a proper camera, a fancy iPod that I don't really understand, and a loving gastronomical history with India that includes heaps of dodgy food but no food poisoning**. With each trip the technology I travelled with grew increasingly sophisticated (for me) and the list of things I really need but never would have known grew increasingly eccentric. This only recently occurred to me as I prepare for this, my sixth visit. Instead of running around purchasing oatmeal to stave off starvation, I've been slowly gathering:
->vitamin/mineral salts - the ones everyone else uses for hangovers but I use because I can't seem to drink in as much as I sweat out when in India in May
->photocopies of my passport - there's not one trip yet that hasn't found me running from store to store looking for a working photocopier for one reason or another. I've decided to cut out the middleperson and just bring my own
->passport-sized photos - see above
->my favourite incense - instant home for those moment when I need it and the only place I've found it in Mysore is at the Three Sisters which, in itself, isn't a bad thing but I find it impossible to visit there without eating and eating and eating and maybe arranging for a massage before eating some more
->ryvita - yeah, stupid, but I miss crispbread when I'm away and crispbread + ghee + honey = happiness on a plate
->pumice stone - to counter dusty roads and flimsy sandals and to foil thoughts of "geez, my feet are lookin' pretty bad" when in paschimotasana etc (what? don't say you've never done it!)
There's probably more but I should get going because you know what I'm not doing? I'm not packing, not clearing out my apartment, not finishing up the work contract I promised to have done before I leave - and I leave soon. Really soon.
**save for one time in Dharmasala which doesn't count. If I can look at a dirty, crusty mug filled with off-tasting chai and think "boy, if anything is going to make me sick, it's this" and then proceed to keep drinking - well - I deserve to get sick.
Many trips later I return with a proper camera, a fancy iPod that I don't really understand, and a loving gastronomical history with India that includes heaps of dodgy food but no food poisoning**. With each trip the technology I travelled with grew increasingly sophisticated (for me) and the list of things I really need but never would have known grew increasingly eccentric. This only recently occurred to me as I prepare for this, my sixth visit. Instead of running around purchasing oatmeal to stave off starvation, I've been slowly gathering:
->vitamin/mineral salts - the ones everyone else uses for hangovers but I use because I can't seem to drink in as much as I sweat out when in India in May
->photocopies of my passport - there's not one trip yet that hasn't found me running from store to store looking for a working photocopier for one reason or another. I've decided to cut out the middleperson and just bring my own
->passport-sized photos - see above
->my favourite incense - instant home for those moment when I need it and the only place I've found it in Mysore is at the Three Sisters which, in itself, isn't a bad thing but I find it impossible to visit there without eating and eating and eating and maybe arranging for a massage before eating some more
->ryvita - yeah, stupid, but I miss crispbread when I'm away and crispbread + ghee + honey = happiness on a plate
->pumice stone - to counter dusty roads and flimsy sandals and to foil thoughts of "geez, my feet are lookin' pretty bad" when in paschimotasana etc (what? don't say you've never done it!)
There's probably more but I should get going because you know what I'm not doing? I'm not packing, not clearing out my apartment, not finishing up the work contract I promised to have done before I leave - and I leave soon. Really soon.
**save for one time in Dharmasala which doesn't count. If I can look at a dirty, crusty mug filled with off-tasting chai and think "boy, if anything is going to make me sick, it's this" and then proceed to keep drinking - well - I deserve to get sick.
Monday, April 28, 2008
maybe that explains it...
Following my physical a few weeks ago, the Doctor's office called me in to talk about my results - something they don't usually do. I'm the cleanest living person I know (or the most boring - whatever - why play with semantics) so I couldn't have much to worry about but I'd been tested for every possible thing under the sun and one never knows...
Turns out she wanted to talk about my iron levels. They're low. At 5 when they should be at 50. What a relief, not because I was worried about the other possibilities but because I've been so. freaking. tired lately. Actually, tired doesn't even cover it. Listless, drained, empty is closer. I thought maybe it was the season, my mood, the rush of finishing up work - any number of things but I didn't even think about my iron.
She proposed a supplement, one comprised of bull's blood. Uh, no. Even if I weren't a vegetarian, no. Instead I went to the health food store to buy a natural supplement. Unfortunately, stores confuse me, there's just so much stuff in them, and while I was drifting around the aisles I forgot what I was there for and I emerged half an hour later without iron but with chocolate.
If chocolate contained iron I'd be SO set.
Turns out she wanted to talk about my iron levels. They're low. At 5 when they should be at 50. What a relief, not because I was worried about the other possibilities but because I've been so. freaking. tired lately. Actually, tired doesn't even cover it. Listless, drained, empty is closer. I thought maybe it was the season, my mood, the rush of finishing up work - any number of things but I didn't even think about my iron.
She proposed a supplement, one comprised of bull's blood. Uh, no. Even if I weren't a vegetarian, no. Instead I went to the health food store to buy a natural supplement. Unfortunately, stores confuse me, there's just so much stuff in them, and while I was drifting around the aisles I forgot what I was there for and I emerged half an hour later without iron but with chocolate.
If chocolate contained iron I'd be SO set.
saturday
Last Saturday at home for a few months. Slept in, read papers over coffee, enjoyed the sun streaming through the window. Gorgeous out today. Rode my bike to late afternoon yoga taking the long way along the lakeshore. Stopped at a patio restaurant after yoga for coffee, pastries, and daydreaming. They were playing the new Weezer album. It's good.
Am looking forward to Mysore but home is very good too. Will miss being here.
Am looking forward to Mysore but home is very good too. Will miss being here.
Saturday, April 26, 2008
ready?
My monthly pass expired so I purchased a 10-class pass to carry me from now until the time I leave. It was hours later that I realized that I leave before that pass even expires. Yikes. I'm gone in less than a week! Guess that explains why every conversation lately has included questions about whether I was "ready" yet, it seems I'm the only one who wasn't aware that I'm off soon.
Guess that also explains why no one but me seems to think that my current state of "getting ready", which is limited to pulling out all my cute sundresses and sandals and wearing the hell out of them now that the weather has finally warmed up, is an appropriate response. But, hey, after living out of a small carry on bag for three summers, I have a lot of summer clothes to get reacquainted with and, apparently, less than a week to do so.
Coming from a long line of last minute packers, late checker-inners, last to board the plane-ers, a week is heaps of time. Besides, my best packing is usually done in airport parking lots, crouched beside the car, madly pulling some things out of the bag while stuffing others in.
I always forget something. I almost never actually need it.**
**a caveat for what I know is coming from my mother: "almost never actually need" what I forget does not include plug adaptors which, it seems, cost more for her to post last summer than it would have if she'd just flown over and delivered one by hand.
Note to self - pack a damn adaptor this time...
Guess that also explains why no one but me seems to think that my current state of "getting ready", which is limited to pulling out all my cute sundresses and sandals and wearing the hell out of them now that the weather has finally warmed up, is an appropriate response. But, hey, after living out of a small carry on bag for three summers, I have a lot of summer clothes to get reacquainted with and, apparently, less than a week to do so.
Coming from a long line of last minute packers, late checker-inners, last to board the plane-ers, a week is heaps of time. Besides, my best packing is usually done in airport parking lots, crouched beside the car, madly pulling some things out of the bag while stuffing others in.
I always forget something. I almost never actually need it.**
**a caveat for what I know is coming from my mother: "almost never actually need" what I forget does not include plug adaptors which, it seems, cost more for her to post last summer than it would have if she'd just flown over and delivered one by hand.
Note to self - pack a damn adaptor this time...
Monday, April 21, 2008
this is where i grew up
Today, for the first time since moving to part-time hours last September, I paid attention to my pay stub and figured out how much money I make. It was shocking - and I don't mean in a 'pleasantly surprised' way. While it may be enough for me to live comfortably on, it definitely isn't enough for me to work through yet another lunch so I grabbed my camera and headed out.
Although I work 15 minutes from where I was raised, I rarely go there (too busy working through my lunches, you see ;), but today was such a gorgeous day, it was perfect for the drive. I stopped in town for a coffee and then moved on to the park to say hello to the river, enjoy the sun, and see what's new in the place where I, quite literally, grew up. Home of:
The best bridge in the world
beneath which we spent hours turning over rocks to catch crayfish and stepping daintily to avoid being bitten
What used to be the most amazing wooden park, complete with castle turrets and gangplanks, has been replaced with this
and this
I guess splinters are more hazardous to our health than brightly coloured plastic which is as uninspiring as it is boring.
Where I learned to swim
The instructor wanted us to learn to open our eyes under water so he would hold up a few fingers, we would duck our heads under water, and emerge to tell him how many fingers he was holding up; if we were wrong, he would pinch us very hard on our bottoms as many times as we were wrong. I was five, I'm not even sure I could count yet (I was a bit slow in some areas), but I know I couldn't open my eyes under water - it hurt - so I would go under, eyes squeezed shut, and come up guessing a number that I desperately hoped was right. It never was. I got pinched a lot. Danger, indeed.
And the baseball diamond where we would play our softball tournaments behind which is a hill that may not look like much but it is widely known as the BEST tobogganing hill for miles around. That thing is killer in the winter. The fencing in the bottom left is the batting cage which, to this day, I have never once seen in use. Good to see that it's still there, waiting and ready, though.
I wandered around the park with my coffee in one hand, camera in the other, seeing how much had changed without really changing at all. The rocks by the river which formed the 'do not cross' line when I was a toddler and a cover for underage drinking when I was a teenager are still there. My favourite climbing tree is as well. And the pool, baseball diamond, toboganning hill, and ice rink are all the same. So, in many respects, am I.
I drove back to the office, windows down, sun beaming, "Little Red Corvette" playing loudly on the radio and the number on my paycheck really didn't seem to matter anymore. Nothing about that moment would have changed were my salary any higher or lower than what it currently is and that moment? It was a wonderful one. Why wish for any different?
Although I work 15 minutes from where I was raised, I rarely go there (too busy working through my lunches, you see ;), but today was such a gorgeous day, it was perfect for the drive. I stopped in town for a coffee and then moved on to the park to say hello to the river, enjoy the sun, and see what's new in the place where I, quite literally, grew up. Home of:
The best bridge in the world
beneath which we spent hours turning over rocks to catch crayfish and stepping daintily to avoid being bitten
What used to be the most amazing wooden park, complete with castle turrets and gangplanks, has been replaced with this
and this
I guess splinters are more hazardous to our health than brightly coloured plastic which is as uninspiring as it is boring.
Where I learned to swim
The instructor wanted us to learn to open our eyes under water so he would hold up a few fingers, we would duck our heads under water, and emerge to tell him how many fingers he was holding up; if we were wrong, he would pinch us very hard on our bottoms as many times as we were wrong. I was five, I'm not even sure I could count yet (I was a bit slow in some areas), but I know I couldn't open my eyes under water - it hurt - so I would go under, eyes squeezed shut, and come up guessing a number that I desperately hoped was right. It never was. I got pinched a lot. Danger, indeed.
And the baseball diamond where we would play our softball tournaments behind which is a hill that may not look like much but it is widely known as the BEST tobogganing hill for miles around. That thing is killer in the winter. The fencing in the bottom left is the batting cage which, to this day, I have never once seen in use. Good to see that it's still there, waiting and ready, though.
I wandered around the park with my coffee in one hand, camera in the other, seeing how much had changed without really changing at all. The rocks by the river which formed the 'do not cross' line when I was a toddler and a cover for underage drinking when I was a teenager are still there. My favourite climbing tree is as well. And the pool, baseball diamond, toboganning hill, and ice rink are all the same. So, in many respects, am I.
I drove back to the office, windows down, sun beaming, "Little Red Corvette" playing loudly on the radio and the number on my paycheck really didn't seem to matter anymore. Nothing about that moment would have changed were my salary any higher or lower than what it currently is and that moment? It was a wonderful one. Why wish for any different?
almost that person
When I was learning to drive I promised myself that I would NEVER be one of those people who roadraged the 'drivers education' cars with their scared, timid, doing-the-best-they-can new drivers.
Today, following a car driving 20km below the speed limit (placing us at a leisurely 30km per hour) with two wheels on the road and two wheels drifting haphazardly across the dirt on the shoulder...oh. holy. god. it was a hard promise to keep.
But I did.
Today, following a car driving 20km below the speed limit (placing us at a leisurely 30km per hour) with two wheels on the road and two wheels drifting haphazardly across the dirt on the shoulder...oh. holy. god. it was a hard promise to keep.
But I did.
Friday, April 18, 2008
april
A few years ago at this time I was in Helsinki for the first time and things were already strange. After months of telling me to come, assuring me that his plans were my summer plans, and talking of all the things "we" would do all summer, the boy balked at me purchasing a 12-class yoga pass, complained of how his apartment wasn't built for two but then talked me out of my plans to leave for travels elsewhere stating that I "couldn't leave". I was confused at his confusion and crestfallen by his back and forth after months of big talk.
At this time last year I had just finished writing my comprehensive exam and officially completed my masters degree. This followed a year of running two steps behind to keep up, of being unable to catch myself long enough to know myself. There was just too much to do and in the midst of it all my relationship was falling apart, my dream career no longer my dream, and health issues with scary (and, in hindsight, unfounded) names rearing their heads. I was breathless and disconnected and lost in busyness. Who was I? What did I want? Where did I belong? I knew nothing.
At this time this year I realized that I'm happy in a way I haven't been in years. I know you're sick of hearing it but I still feel loss and longing, I miss the boy, but there is a happiness, a freedom, that wasn't here last year. Yesterday I realized that so many of the questions that plagued me over the last few years are gone. Who am I? Where do I belong? What do I want to do with my life? I'm no closer to the answers but I'm no longer obsessing over not knowing. I don't know where I'm going to be but I know that I'm right here. I don't need to know any more than that.
This time this year I'm done my masters, assisting with yoga classes, creating community around me, meeting new people, free from the web of someone else's confusion , found my teachers in Toronto and, through all of these things, finding myself as well. Changing to part time work provided the space I needed to first fall apart and then regroup; now this same space allows room for new work opportunities to present themselves, one opportunity in particular is something I've wanted to do for years.
This time this year I celebrated the first warm day of spring by going for my first bike ride. I rode along the lakeshore to Queen Street, grabbed a cup of coffee and headed to the park where I welcomed the feeling of grass between my toes, watched the dogs celebrate, and had the space to sit and realize how much change had occurred over this last year. To notice that I wasn't rushed, wasn't wondering, wasn't confused and wasn't lost. I was right there, on the park bench on a gorgeous Thursday afternoon - and I was happy.
At this time last year I had just finished writing my comprehensive exam and officially completed my masters degree. This followed a year of running two steps behind to keep up, of being unable to catch myself long enough to know myself. There was just too much to do and in the midst of it all my relationship was falling apart, my dream career no longer my dream, and health issues with scary (and, in hindsight, unfounded) names rearing their heads. I was breathless and disconnected and lost in busyness. Who was I? What did I want? Where did I belong? I knew nothing.
At this time this year I realized that I'm happy in a way I haven't been in years. I know you're sick of hearing it but I still feel loss and longing, I miss the boy, but there is a happiness, a freedom, that wasn't here last year. Yesterday I realized that so many of the questions that plagued me over the last few years are gone. Who am I? Where do I belong? What do I want to do with my life? I'm no closer to the answers but I'm no longer obsessing over not knowing. I don't know where I'm going to be but I know that I'm right here. I don't need to know any more than that.
This time this year I'm done my masters, assisting with yoga classes, creating community around me, meeting new people, free from the web of someone else's confusion , found my teachers in Toronto and, through all of these things, finding myself as well. Changing to part time work provided the space I needed to first fall apart and then regroup; now this same space allows room for new work opportunities to present themselves, one opportunity in particular is something I've wanted to do for years.
This time this year I celebrated the first warm day of spring by going for my first bike ride. I rode along the lakeshore to Queen Street, grabbed a cup of coffee and headed to the park where I welcomed the feeling of grass between my toes, watched the dogs celebrate, and had the space to sit and realize how much change had occurred over this last year. To notice that I wasn't rushed, wasn't wondering, wasn't confused and wasn't lost. I was right there, on the park bench on a gorgeous Thursday afternoon - and I was happy.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
kiitos or merci?
The last three trips I've taken to non-English speaking lands have all been to Finland. Maybe that explains why here, immersed in the land of the proud French, I've reflexively been responding to everyone in Finnish before hastily switching to French. Thank you becomes kiitos becomes merci. Sorry becomes anteksi becomes pardon, and so on.
I miss the challenge of trying to navigate a city using a foreign language. I miss the challenge of absorbing new words and wrapping my mind around new grammar rules. I miss some things.
I miss the challenge of trying to navigate a city using a foreign language. I miss the challenge of absorbing new words and wrapping my mind around new grammar rules. I miss some things.
conference yoga
DAY 1
A living room floor in a friend's house. To my left, a coffee table pushed flush against the wall but still close enough to connect with outstretched limbs. On my right, an antique couch bearing destroyed seat cushions, the latest victims of a bored teenaged puppy. In front of me, four very curious cats watching every move with great interest. The one introduced as 'the most vicious of them all' was also the most curious of them all. She took to walking under me while I was in downward dog, letting her tail brush across my face, under my nose, in my eyes, as she moved back and forth. I worried about injuring her during jumpbacks.
DAY 2
Began at stupid-o-clock as I snuck out of my room, mat bag in hand, to avoid waking my coworker. Wandered the Mezzanine floor looking for an open, non-AC room to practice before resigning myself to the gym. Tucked into the corner, weight-press-thingy to my left, exercise bikes behind me, mirrors to my front and right. Mirrors are devastating. My asanas which feel like beauty are actually very ugly and my body which I'm usually able to make peace with is puffy, pudgy, and even uglier. Trolls sneak in, my mind begins to obsess, self-loathing takes over until I focus, focus, focus - come back to the breath, come back to this moment, come back to driste and it all fades away. Gone. Beauty returns.
DAY 3
Back in the gym. Same spot. Same trolls. Same retreat to what actually matters - the breath, the driste, the moment. Arms are not straight, back arches, stomach puffs, it doesn't matter. I'm here, I'm blessed with a body that carries me through my day, and this moment is a good one; this is what matters. Behind me a woman talks loudly to her friend, explaining that she doesn't watch TV because she needs silence in order to hear God speaking to her. I know what she means and, after three days of conference talking, talking, talking, I long for this silence.
I begin, for the first time, to really look forward to India. Months of injuries, rotating teachers at my home shala, stolen moments on friends' floors or in hotel gyms; I long to be in India with one teacher where I can stay put, stay still, and stay quiet.
A living room floor in a friend's house. To my left, a coffee table pushed flush against the wall but still close enough to connect with outstretched limbs. On my right, an antique couch bearing destroyed seat cushions, the latest victims of a bored teenaged puppy. In front of me, four very curious cats watching every move with great interest. The one introduced as 'the most vicious of them all' was also the most curious of them all. She took to walking under me while I was in downward dog, letting her tail brush across my face, under my nose, in my eyes, as she moved back and forth. I worried about injuring her during jumpbacks.
DAY 2
Began at stupid-o-clock as I snuck out of my room, mat bag in hand, to avoid waking my coworker. Wandered the Mezzanine floor looking for an open, non-AC room to practice before resigning myself to the gym. Tucked into the corner, weight-press-thingy to my left, exercise bikes behind me, mirrors to my front and right. Mirrors are devastating. My asanas which feel like beauty are actually very ugly and my body which I'm usually able to make peace with is puffy, pudgy, and even uglier. Trolls sneak in, my mind begins to obsess, self-loathing takes over until I focus, focus, focus - come back to the breath, come back to this moment, come back to driste and it all fades away. Gone. Beauty returns.
DAY 3
Back in the gym. Same spot. Same trolls. Same retreat to what actually matters - the breath, the driste, the moment. Arms are not straight, back arches, stomach puffs, it doesn't matter. I'm here, I'm blessed with a body that carries me through my day, and this moment is a good one; this is what matters. Behind me a woman talks loudly to her friend, explaining that she doesn't watch TV because she needs silence in order to hear God speaking to her. I know what she means and, after three days of conference talking, talking, talking, I long for this silence.
I begin, for the first time, to really look forward to India. Months of injuries, rotating teachers at my home shala, stolen moments on friends' floors or in hotel gyms; I long to be in India with one teacher where I can stay put, stay still, and stay quiet.
travel memoir by techology
On my first trip to India I travelled with a walkman and a disposable camera. That's it. I taught myself to fall asleep to the sound of Matchbox Twenty, one of the only two tapes I still owned and brought on my trip with me, and I returned with grainy, dark pictures courtesy of my crappy disposable camera.
When I returned to India a few years later it was armed with a discman and a borrowed camera the latter of which possessed both broken flash and zoom. I purchased the same Matchbox Twenty album, my secret weapon in the struggle to fall asleep amidst the sounds of TV's, radios, car horns, barking dogs, late night arguments, and later night family dinners, on CD and packed a handful of 35mm film, proud that I'd remembered an actual camera that time out.
Although travelling with a discman AND a non-disposable camera was high-tech for me, I was a travelling ludite in comparison to others. These travellers came with iPods, laptop computers, digital cameras, and mobile phones. I wasn't envious of their 'stuff' so much as I was of their convenience and my next trip found me similarly stocked with laptop computer, iPod, mobile phone, and camera with fully functioning options. Granted, the mobile and camera were borrowed luxuries but they were convenient ones. Travelling with a phone changed things completely by making what had always been a solitary, disconnected pursuit a busy, social, connected one - this was an unexpected and not entirely welcome change.
And, yes, I'd downloaded my Matchbox Twenty sleeping soundtrack to my iPod.
For my upcoming trip, the list of technology grows to ridiculous lengths. In addition to my laptop and iPod I bring my very own phone, my beloved Nikon, and a new acquisition, a small Canon for those times when carrying the Nikon is too cumbersome. While I began writing this with a touch of humour, amused that I can trace my advancements into the world of technology according to my trips to India, as the list of stuff I travel with grew to culminate in that final list complete with not one but two cameras, I'm embarrassed. Can I explain that, with the exception of the laptop and Nikon, the rest are castoffs donated my way when the previous owners upgraded? Or that both the Nikon and my laptop travel with me for working purposes?
No. I didn't think so.
I have to go look this way now.
When I returned to India a few years later it was armed with a discman and a borrowed camera the latter of which possessed both broken flash and zoom. I purchased the same Matchbox Twenty album, my secret weapon in the struggle to fall asleep amidst the sounds of TV's, radios, car horns, barking dogs, late night arguments, and later night family dinners, on CD and packed a handful of 35mm film, proud that I'd remembered an actual camera that time out.
Although travelling with a discman AND a non-disposable camera was high-tech for me, I was a travelling ludite in comparison to others. These travellers came with iPods, laptop computers, digital cameras, and mobile phones. I wasn't envious of their 'stuff' so much as I was of their convenience and my next trip found me similarly stocked with laptop computer, iPod, mobile phone, and camera with fully functioning options. Granted, the mobile and camera were borrowed luxuries but they were convenient ones. Travelling with a phone changed things completely by making what had always been a solitary, disconnected pursuit a busy, social, connected one - this was an unexpected and not entirely welcome change.
And, yes, I'd downloaded my Matchbox Twenty sleeping soundtrack to my iPod.
For my upcoming trip, the list of technology grows to ridiculous lengths. In addition to my laptop and iPod I bring my very own phone, my beloved Nikon, and a new acquisition, a small Canon for those times when carrying the Nikon is too cumbersome. While I began writing this with a touch of humour, amused that I can trace my advancements into the world of technology according to my trips to India, as the list of stuff I travel with grew to culminate in that final list complete with not one but two cameras, I'm embarrassed. Can I explain that, with the exception of the laptop and Nikon, the rest are castoffs donated my way when the previous owners upgraded? Or that both the Nikon and my laptop travel with me for working purposes?
No. I didn't think so.
I have to go look this way now.
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